Reviews

Poseidon (Andy)

Not since Paul Schrader’s version of Exorcist the Beginning (Dominion) has a movie so hyped left me so under whelmed. I’m generally not a fan of the remake. They’re often unnecessary and hurried productions where the only goal is to fleece the public of their money. Until this website I avoided this shit like the plague. Now I pay for it. Seems like a fair enough trade. Besides, some remakes actually surprise me. Andre Aja’s version of The Hills Have Eyes was fun and unflinching. I’m actually looking forward to seeing what Brad Anderson does with Romero’s The Crazies. The truth is for every decent retread there are ten Poseidons.

What aspects from the original make the leap to the remake? Well… the ship. Parts of character personalities are here but not the characters themselves. I was really looking forward to seeing Sally Struthers in the role of Shelly Winters too. The movie is also devoid of prostitutes. Unless you count Mia Maestro or reality TV has been Jacinda Barrett. We not only lost the adventure we lost all character conflicts and any hint of age, weight, sex, or class discrimination. Not that Poseidon Adventure was haut with politics and meaning. But at least it made the film more interesting.

Let’s talk about chumming up the waters. In 1972 the massive wave is a result of an earthquake. In 2006 the wave is a delinquent rogue wave. The kind of wave that is sensed instead of picked up of sonar. Poseidon makes it a point to show the ship full of people. Sometimes it looks like they can barely make it past one another. Once the ship capsizes though, half of them must have been lifted away by the rapture. Sure there are a lot of bodies, just not nearly as many as when they were alive.

The plot is the same. On New Years Eve luxury cruise ship The Poseidon goes tits up at the receiving end the dreaded and rare rogue wave. The people who survive decide to wait it out in the ballroom or make their way up (or down depending how you look at it) to the hull. What stuck out in the 2006 Poseidon is the characters reaction to death. They seem almost callus after watching someone fall to their death. Then they practically breakout their hymnals when another previously unknown person, who I found annoying, drops off. Speaking of annoying, let’s talk about Kevin Dillon. Dillon’s character is so trite, so villainously lame brained, he might as well be wearing a shirt that says, “I aint gonna make it.” Everything is laid out before the viewer long before it happens. Within thirty minutes the audience will have a 90% chance of correctly guessing who lives and who dies.

What Poseidon has going for it is its not boring. If you’re into brainless action flicks or you need a dumb, fun date movie, this could be enjoyable. That’s kind of the funny thing about this. After talking to people for reactions I heard a lot of, “It wasn’t bad. I wouldn’t watch it again.” Nothing is memorable about this sinking disaster. The ship looks slightly better. The original is more enjoyable by leaps and bounds and the changes made didn’t warrant a remake. I could see how someone would dig this for the fireballs and superhuman strength. Not me.
5/10
Andy
Ernest Borgnine… that creep could sweat, man.